• The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, “OUTSIDE!”
• You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair.
• It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets.
• You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are.
• You can carry on a conversation with a dogs’s muzzle firmly in your crotch.
• You own a dog capable of pulling someone from a port-a-potty.
• Your dog can hide an entire tennis ball (among other things) fully inside his lips and give you that innocent look that says, “What? I’m not eating anything!”
• You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle.
• You keep at least one color-coded “drool towel” in every room of our house.
• After banishing your husband, the snoring in your bedroom still keeps you awake.
• You are hiking with a friend who later suggests that you ought to have an environmental impact statement done on your dog.
• You toss your dog a ball and cringe when he almost hits his head on the top of the doorway.
• You take your dog for a ride and he rests his head on your arm, causing you to make random right turns.
• You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub.
• Your two dogs decide to play in the house, and they end up pulling the ceiling fan down –for the second time.
• You have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink.
• You show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and the first person you point out is your dog.
• While stopped at a stop light, everyone stares as your car rocks back and forth because the dog is panting out the window.
• You go to vacuum your car and most of the fur is up there on the ceiling.
• You avoid the dogs on your way out the door, so they won’t smear your makeup.
• You’ve learned to force a smile when asked “do you have a saddle for that thing?”
• The monthly dog budget exceeds your home mortgage payment.
• Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a personal plane.
• You have had to train your dog not to lick dishes, and the dishes are in the sink.
• The donuts you put on top of the refrigerator are gone when you get home and your dog has powdered sugar on his nose.
• Your dog can see what you’re cooking, and he tries to assist you in the preparation.
• You’re holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings, you take a short (but fast!) ride straight to the door.
• The pizza delivery people tell you to meet them at the end of the sidewalk.
• You dog stands in your lap and reaches over you to stick his head in the drive-through window at MacDonald’s and nearly gives the cashier a heart attack when she turns around to give you your change.
• You purchase a large screen TV and you still can’t see the program when he stands in front of the television.
• After surgery, your bored pup decides to get up and cruise around the vet’s office –pulling the rolling IV stand behind him.
• You take your dog for a walk. A car drives by, stops, and backs up to you.  The driver rolls down his window to ask, “Excuse me, that’s a dog isn’t it?” When you say yes, he turns to his wife and says, “See, I told you so, nobody walks a deer!” and drives away.
• A six-year-old boy takes one look at your dog and says. “Wow! I bet he could eat a whole roll of toilet paper in one gulp!”
• The big people walking the little dog always say “I don’t know how she does it.”
• You see a Chihuahua and you mutter under your breath, “My dog craps bigger than that!”
• You just came home from the grocery store and spent $75.00 and all you got for yourself was a dozen eggs.
• Your dogs back out of small rooms.
• The kids have long since graduated from college and you still drive a full size van.
• UPS does “drive by” deliveries to your home.
• You find yourself trying to convince the dog that the 4 pound kitten didn’t mean to hurt its feelings.
• Your passenger seat in your car doesn’t seem to be as comfortable since half of the foam is gone and the metal frame is digging in your back.
• Your husband wears one of those “protective cups” even though he’s not participating in contact sports.
• Male visitors to your home enter your home walking either backwards or sideways while your Dane continues to happily wag her tail.
• Your doorknobs have teeth marks.
• You have to go out and buy another couch…for the family.

Oh yeah... there's MORE!

• your friends refer to your dog as the "Great Pain"
  
  
• your birdbath doubles as a water dish
  
  
• you are still buying vans long after the kids have graduated from college
  
  
• you're known at the local Home Depot hardware store as "the guy with the Dog Project"
  
  
• you walk your dog and people cross the street to avoid you
  
  
• every knick-knack in the house resides above the 5 foot mark
  
  
• you hand out slobber clothes to your guests when they arrive
  
  
• you purchased an extra sofa just for the dogs
  
  
• your dog knows how to open the bathroom door (but he never closes it)
  
  
• you have to explain to a guest why she just sat down on a wet toilet seat
  
  
• you are covered with bruises and no one calls the police
  
  
• someone is following too closely and you want them to back off so you have your dog stand up – they drop back 10 car lengths
  
  
• you got a speeding ticket because your dog's foot was on the accelerator
  
  
• guests tell your dog to "sit," and he/she immediately sits – on them
  
  
• the pet food distributor delivers directly to your home and the dog food is delivered by 3/4 ton vehicles
  
  
• you show pictures of yourself next to your dog and people say "you were sitting down, right?"
  
  
• your dog uses your old station wagon as his dog house because he's figured out how to open the doors and let himself in for a nap
  
  
• you wish someone would make a rawhide bone that would last more than 5 minutes
  
  
• your dog agrees, and he starts in on the pillars supporting your porch
  
  
• you have to explain to the insurance adjuster that those holes in your home's pillars are not termite damage
  
  
• you walk your dog and someone asks you, "Is that a Dalmatian on steriods?"
  
  
• regular doggie nail clippers don't make it through one paw
  
  
•  you look at the 18" feed stands they sell in the wholesale catalogs and wonder when they are going to get smart and make a 30" version
  
  
• you stay out of the woods during hunting season, and you buy your dog an orange vest to wear whenever he goes outside
  
  
• when other dogs see your dog, they are confused as to just what exactly "it" is
  
  
• you have considered x-rays or lost a toenail after the dog stepped on your foot
  
  
• you tell company to "watch out for land mines" before going into your backyard
  
  
• you go to a feed store you visited just once (last year) and they remember you
  
  
• you can walk your dog comfortably... holding his collar
  
  
• you have not been able to navigate through your house in a straight line for years
  
  
• you have had to explain to your dentist how your teeth get knocked loose (your dog raised his head too fast)
  
  
• you have no window screens left intact on your house
  
  
• your T-shirt has paw prints on the shoulders
  
  
• your cats prefer to eat their meals on the top of the fridge
  
  
• you build a fence to contain your dog, and suddenly you can't see your neighbor's house
  
  
• your dog can palm a basketball – in his mouth
  
  
• your friends stop dropping over to visit
  
  
• your dog can eat a large pig's ear in under 3 minutes
  
  
• the neighborhood kids sneak up to the gate on their way home from school and say "See? I told you so!"
• you use a snow shovel for a pooper scooper
  
  
• you replace your fullwave waterbed mattress for a motionless mattress because when the dog circles three times before laying down, it is like being on the Mayflower in bad weather
  
  
• you're showering and suddenly your dog joins you... for a drink
  
  
• your puppy's newest toy is your daughter's 8-pound bowling ball
  
  
• you walk through the house at 2 a.m. to let him out and you accidently kick his giant bone -- you have to go to the hospital for stitches on your big toe
  
  
• you really can blame rude noises on the dog
  
  
• the mailman rings the doorbell, runs to his truck, and waits for you to come to the curb to give you your mail
  
  
• your dog backs up out of small rooms
  
  
• when you bring your new dog home and take him for his first walk, the noisiest dogs in the neighborhood fall silent
  
  
• you child-proof all of your cabinets and doors – above 3 feet
  
  
• you set 5 places at the dinner table, but only 4 chairs
  
  
• your dog thinks it's funny to yawn with his head just above the cat, then close his mouth over her entire head
  
  
• at least two drinking glasses a week are broken by his wagging tail
  
  
• you learn to hold the handrail and hug the wall when the dog passes you going up and down stairs
  
  
• your child waits in line while the dog jumps on her trampoline
  
  
• your two dogs sneak onto the bed in the middle of the night, and you wake up feeling like one of those dividers in a TV dinner
  
  
• you go to the vet and they give you your own private waiting area
  
  
• your housekeeper quits when she learns your dog is pregnant
  
  
• your 110-pound puppy just doesn't understand it when other dogs bark at him and run away
  
  
• you go camping and you bring an extra sleeping bag and sweatshirt for your dog
  
  
• your Christmas tree decorations start 40" from the base of the tree
  
  
• one of your sleeves looks like it has been starched due to his drool
  
  
• you find yourself consoling a 140-pound dog and reassuring him that the 4 pound kitten didn't mean to hurt his feelings
  
  
•  you have bruises on your thighs from that weird leaning thing he does
  
  
• the term "lap dog" takes on a whole new meaning
  
  
• you begin referring to smaller dogs as "treats on feet"
  
  
• it takes three attendants to lift your dog onto the vet's table, but only if he's cooperating
  
• your smoke detector keeps getting knocked off the ceiling
  
  
• while sitting on the computer you get various dog toys stuffed into the back of your shirt; when you finally turn around, your dog is staring down at you
  
  
• all the programs on your computer are Dane related or have Dane graphics as headings
  
  
• you point to the top shelf and say "Get that for momma"
  
  
• you no longer need to worry about dieting and exercise for yourself because all your food money goes to kibble, and all your free time goes to walking the dog
  
  
• windex takes on a whole new meaning 
• Dobermans and German Shepherds look small
  
  
• the holes in the yard must be straddled with the mower or you'll never be heard from again
  
  
• you have spent four weeks on crutches after stepping in a hole dug by your dog
  
  
• the city garbage collectors draw straws to see who has to walk by the fence to get the garbage can
  
  
• you go to the feed store and ask if they sell dog food in bulk
  
  
• you come back from the feed store and suddenly you're driving a "low rider"
  
  
• there is 520 lb. of dog food in the guest bedroom and another 120 lb. in the freezer
  
  
• you're thrown from the bed in the middle of the night because your dog crawled under the bed and got stuck; so he stood up
  
  
• your two dogs are running together at full speed (playing) and they start heading in your direction; you dive for cover (fast!!!)
  
  
• your dogs are jumping from side to side while playing, and the wall-to-wall carpeting is moving
  
  
• you hear this heavy breathing in your ear and it isn't your spouse
  
  
• you have saved your dog from being wedged under a coffee table
  
  
• your vet has to use an elevator table to examine your dog
  
  
• your dog glares at you because he can't understand why you are peeing in his water bowl
  
  
• you take your vehicle in for the repair of the electric windows, and try to explain the composition of Dane drool and why the windows get "gummed up"
  
  
• you sit on the floor because the sofa is occupied
  
  
• food is not safe on the dining room table
  
  
• everyone in your home town (pop. 6500) knows you as "that crazy woman with them big spotted dogs"
  
  
• the only French-cut panties you own have tail holes cut in them
  
  
• you go to a motel listed as accepting pets and they won't rent you a room (even after you camouflaged him with a hat and sunglasses)
  
  
• you issue athletic cups at your front door to all male visitors
  
  
• the top of your refrigerator is covered with toys needing repairs
  
  
• you spend more time in Dog School, then you ever did in High School
  
  
•  one kiss from your dog can destroy all your makeup
  
  
• your "cute little puppy" put on 90 pounds in 8 months
  
  
• you start a support group for women who are battered by their dogs
  
  
• your food bill at the store comes to $75 and all you bought for yourself was a dozen eggs
  
  
• you have to take out health insurance for bodily injuries done to you by your dog
  
  
• your wife/husband mistakes the DOG for you
  
  
• butts on the couch, feet on the floor is normal, and your company thinks it is something remarkable
  
  
• you don't go to the health food store for yourself... you go for your dogs
  
  
• a regular dog toy lasts 5 minutes (maybe)
  
  
• the one who "reads" over your shoulder isn't your spouse, but your dog
  
  
• you do a small correction on your friend's little dog and it flies up in the air
  
  
• washing the slobber off the walls and furniture is a regular part of your housecleaning regimen
  
  
• you tell guests to put something on top of the refrigerator to keep it safe
  
  
• your friends and colleagues don't even ask how you got the black eye anymore
  
  
• after hearing hundreds of adults say, "Ya oughta be riding her!" "Gotta saddle for it?" and "I thought that was a pony!" you think that the most creative comment you have ever heard comes from a four-year old child who says, "That is a beautiful collar."
• the power company requires you to relocate the electric meter to outside the fence
  
  
• 3-year-old twin girls come into your house and ask excitedly if your fawn, who just had his ears cropped and bandaged in orange tape, is a really a baby reindeer
  
  
• your dog has broken your foot (at least once) when he stepped on it
  
  
• the UPS man refuses to deliver packages
  
  
• you are considering replacing a repeatedly broken window in your house with Great Dane Trailer Mud flaps so your exhuberant dog can stick his head ALL the way out the window without breaking the glass
  
  
• your table tops are completly clear of knicknacks and debris
  
  
• the Doberman actually walks under the seven-month-old puppy
  
  
• the only "child" at the birthday party who can break open the pinata is your dog, who is excitedly whapping her tail, wondering why the little people are playing "tag" with small sticks
  
  
• your dog goes from 12-pounds to just 102-pounds in 8 months
  
  
• you no longer need to pre-rinse the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher
  
  
• someone asks you what you feed a 150-pound dog and you answer without hesitation, "Anything he wants."
  
  
• people actually ask before petting your dog
  
  
• you wake up at night because your dog has started to run in his sleep and he's kicking you in the side
  
  
• he wears your T-shirts
  
  
• your dog often stands in front of the kitchen window -- looking in
  
  
• in one play session, your 5-month-old dog gives you a punctured tongue, a punctured lip, a blood-shot eye, and an aching foot
  
  
• you build your house with very wide hallways
  
  
• you have a separate bedroom for the dog
  
  
• you struggle to find a 32" tall baby gate and have at least 4 of them in the house
  
  
• you have a 48" dog pen in your living room
  
  
• you have a second 48" dog pen in your bedroom for when your bitch is in heat
  
  
• storing a whelping box becomes a major challenge
  
  
•  when you get out of your car, there's a small crowd of people staring at it saying things like, "OhMyGod it's HUGE," and "That's the biggest dog I've ever seen," and "Son, don't you get too close to that thing!"
  
  
• you keep an towel handy for when your dog shakes his head
  
  
• your children no longer have to wash their faces
  
  
• people drive vvvveeeerrrrryyyy slowly by your house, to catch a glimpse of those giant Dalmatians that crazy woman keeps
  
  
• you buy a chest freezer just for the dog food
  
  
• pouting, grumbling, talking back, and "copping an attitude" are normal when your dog doesn't get his way
  
  
• walking the dog causes "little dog" owners to go pale and sweaty, clutch their dogs to their bosoms and run inside the nearest building
  
  
• HE walks YOU
  
  
• you jump 3 feet when he barks
  
  
• you can discuss ears for hours
  
  
• "crop failures" have no effect on the Commodity Market
  
  
• you are at dinner and you turn your head for a second – next thing you know, dinner is gone
  
  
• you have to buy an "indestructible" Kong toy every two months
  
  
• your friends put things where "the dog won't get it" and the only one in the house that can reach it is the dog